July 6th, 2017 .

Thanks, Don: An Open Letter from Mother Earth to President Trump

Pat Morden

Dear Don,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you that, but when you support every life form on the planet, the President of a single country isn’t that big a deal.

I just wanted to drop a note to say thank-you for your position on climate change.

We both know that climate change is happening, and that, even with my great powers, I can’t stop the forces unleashed by greedy and thoughtless humans.

(I always wondered if humans were a good idea, but Evolution would have his way.)

Still, you have consistently denied the undeniable. Your penetrating analysis goes something like this:

Unless somebody can prove something to me, I believe there’s weather. I believe there’s change. . . And actually, we’ve had times where the weather wasn’t working out, so they changed it to extreme weather, and they have all different names, you know, so that it fits the bill. But the problem we have, and if you look at our energy costs, and all of the things we’re doing to solve a problem that I don’t think in any major fashion exists. . . “

Well, I won’t go on. It’s embarrassing for both of us, isn’t it? Heck, I’ve heard that you’ve even tried to use cold weather to disprove climate change.

That was before you were elected leader of the free world. Now you’ve signalled your intention to take the U.S. our of the Paris Climate Accord. This week you’re headed off to the G-20, where you’ll likely be the little boy at the birthday party that nobody wants to sit beside because he smells funny.

Frankly, Don, Paris is not the best agreement in the world. Doesn’t go nearly far enough. But it’s what we’ve got. And your opposition to it is just the kick in the pants that the rest of the world needs.

Very clever strategy—act like a buffoon, launch personal attacks against opponents on Twitter, indulge in shady dealings with foreign regimes, and then oppose the Paris Accord. Essentially, opposition from you is like support from God. (And BTW, She is totally on side with Paris.)

Oh, I know there are some members of your Party who are trying to toe the Presidential line on climate change. But they’re looking, and starting to feel, foolish.

After all, it’s getting pretty damn hot out there. Waters are rising. Extreme weather is, well, more extreme than it used to be. People are dying.

So, thanks for doing what you can to bring this issue to the attention of the other seven billion people on the planet. After all, most of them can’t take their eyes off the train wreck that is your administration.

Yours in solidarity,

Mother Earth

 

P.S. I have to say, I don’t think that orange stuff is good for your skin. Go natural, Donny — works for me.

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